My memoires...

The Daily Grind

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 04:05:40 GMT

Hello again,

So, I'm sitting here with a turban-wrapped towel on my wet hair, in my pj's, and I'm too lazy to get up off my ass to go dry my hair. It's a simple task really--but I get so tired of it. Oh to have the kind of hair you can just *let* dry. As if that's a possibility.

Mark is working again tonight, but it's the last one for a while! Even though he'll still be working every day for a while, he's switched to days so we'll at least get to breathe the same oxygen for a few hours a day! That translates basically into "Amanda will once again be sane for more than five minutes a day." On the down side, I just got over my flu by passing it on to him and we leave to go to Edmonton in two days. Gulp. On a more positive note, we get to spend some time at his parents lake cottage (which I love) while his parents are not there. Bonus. I'm gonna have that wood-burning fireplace going. all. night. long. Hehehe.

So I got back from Newfoundland last Sunday, but I haven't written an entry yet. The med school interview went well I hope. I'm one of those people who honestly never has any idea how an interview or test went. It could have gone either way. They either liked me and showed it, or pretended to like me and I didn't notice the act. I know there were some questions I definitely could have answered better, but I mean, there's a lot of pressure there. You can't have an answer for everything--I hope they expect that. I think they must. At any rate, I won't know until May...so there's no use in focusing on it. I'd be worn so thin by then...and for what?

Anyway, must sign off...I'm zonked...and I have to get up before 6am. Oh the joys. But my new job is great so far!

Night night.

Holy Crap what a day!!

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 04:29:33 GMT

I don't know how I even have the energy to write this journal at the moment, but I'll give a little update anyhow. Mark's still on vacation in Banff, skiing. The lucky little shit! Hehehe. No, I love him--I'm glad he's having a good time. In fact, I'd be there with him if I didn't have to work this week. Alas, I still have four more 12 hour shifts before my week is through. It would be fine if I weren't the *only* person on my team trained on the new samples that we're getting. I'm tired, my feet hurt, my knees hurt, and fuck it, my nerves can't take much more. I'm at the beck and call of the engineers, and it seems okay that I didn't get breaks today. I wish my supervisor would train my teammates before night shifts. Oh well, there's always next cycle.

So, I'm flying to Newfoundland right after my last night shift! It's exciting, but it also means there are just 8 days (and counting) until my med school interview. Gulp. I'm freaked out about it--even though it will do me no good whatsoever. I don't have much more time to prep, that's all. Hopefully I can charm the pants off of the panel anyway. Hehehe. I really hope something intelligent can come out of my mouth besides, 'uhh...hehehe...I wanna be a doctor because I like white...' I feel like I'm gonna mess it up--but that's just nerves. I just have to keep telling myself that I already made it through the first round, and they weren't obligated to call me for an interview.

It's mine and Mark's 15 month anniversary today. Pretty crazy! We're not going to see much of each other for the rest of the month, just the way it works out with work and travel and such. But...we have tickets to see an NHL game at the beginning of March, so that's exciting!!

Anyway, I should sign off now--these fourteen hour days are starting to catch up to me. Ciao.

Long time no see...

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 02:12:53 GMT

Yep, it's most definitely been a while...but I think it's about time I get back into the swing of livejournaling. In fact, it's a great outlet, and I think it'll help with my general state of mind especially with my considering the prospect of a somewhat stressful medical school interview. I will be fine! Fine! In fact, I'm damn-right impressed that they called me and invited me to interview. That has to count for something! Now I just have to make sure that I know what I want and go after it, not overconfidently, but just confidently enough. I'll try my very best to know exactly what I should dedicate time to in the interview. What I should elaborate on...can you tell I'm rambling already? Not a good sign, eh? I just have to keep telling myself that I'll be fine, and perhaps I won't get too nervous. It won't help anyway, so what's the point?

If anyone reads this and has any advice on interviewing at a Canadian medical school. Please, feel free to offer it up!

I'm amused...

Sat, 26 Apr 2003 18:00:59 GMT

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

Yup! That's me alright! Who knew these things could be so accurate?

I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tue, 22 Apr 2003 23:08:36 GMT

I honestly didn't think it was going to end.

But it did.

It soooo did! And I am absolutely thrilled that I don't have to spend another moment nosing through those god-forsaken books. It's been a long year, and a hard semester, and I must say--I feel rather accomplished right now. I made it through. It was tough, but I persevered. Although I don't have my marks back yet, I'm hoping that I might have done remotely okay. And I know that even if I don't, I worked like a dog!

Side note: Mr. Zebra by Tori Amos just came on my winamp!! Tori Rocks. And the tempo of this song suits my mood entirely right now.

So, I spent the entire afternoon doing wonderful, exciting things. I love the downtown life. Absolutely. All the shops are amazing, and you hear people singing in the street or playing the bongo drums on the steps of a closed bank, and everything just seems--awesome!! My roomate Margery and I went downtown and just window shopped for hours. I didn't have money to spend, but it didn't matter. Then, when we got hungry, we stopped into Jungle Jims for appetizers and ended up having an awesome time and good conversation. It's really kewl actually, 'cause we've never had a chance to hang out outside of the house because we're always too busy with school. I always knew it would be fun though!
And the best part of it all is that I didn't have to think once that I should be elsewhere...like in my room studying...

Now...I'm waiting for my friend Ash to come over. We're gonna go out and do something, probably with Cheri and Margery too. Elly is gonna watch game seven (She's my girl, hockey fanatic El). We're gonna go for coffee or something of the short. Should be fun. I'm excited!!

Anyway, must go! Things to do! People to see!

Thoughts running through my head:

...Rodge will be here on Thursday night!!...can't wait to see my baby...

...Timber is playing downtown at Club Etomic on Thursday night!!...wanna go see them...

...going home on Sunday!! Awesome!!...

...mom and dad are gonna be here on Saturday...with my puppy!!!...

...Just got an Easter card in the mail from mom and dad! That was really thoughtful!!!....

Anyway, really gonna go now!

Peace, love and happiness. Cheers,

A.

Okay...okay...ooookay...

Wed, 19 Mar 2003 19:09:27 GMT

I think I'm kind of having a semi-panic attack...

That person sitting on my chest refuses to get up...

breathe.

breathe.

breathe.

don't pass out.

breate.

breathe.

okay, doin' alright.

just breathe.

God have mercy....

Wed, 19 Mar 2003 19:03:30 GMT

Okay, I realize it may be just a little selfish to be writing about my problems right now, in light of everything else that's going on in the world. But I can't help this.

I feel like someone is sitting directly on my chest (and regarding myself carefully I can honestly note that there isn't). I can't breathe. I can't even focus on the most important thing that I should do out of my list of hundred to do's...because they're all equally important...and they're all equally unfinished.

The bad thing is, knowing that I have all this work to do, I can't help but feel completely drained. So drained in fact, that all I want to do is sleep...but I can't! I'm wasting time here merely because if I don't vent to someone or something, I'm going to go insane. And I think people are generally content not to hear my BS problems...

So, any word on how I can help myself breathe more easily? Perhaps...hm....maybe an oxygen tank would go over well...

I just want to see the light at the end of this long, dark, lonely, slow-moving tunnel...

Anyone? Turn on the light up there! (I'd really appreciate it)

And so it begins...

Tue, 17 Sep 2002 20:23:15 GMT

Well, I really don't have the time to write, but I'm so goddamn stressed that I'm going to do it anyway. I knew things were headed this way, because thanks to a wonderful non-specific viral infection that invaded my body over the summer and decided to take up residence there I'd rather sleep than study. Now I have too much work to do, I have the flu, I have very painful period cramps, PMS, and not enough hours left to do everything in.

I was planning on going home this weekend, because my bf is leaving to go to Alberta in a week. But I guess that was a pipe dream. I have a test on Friday morning that I have to study for, and I have three and a half chapters of my psych distance ed. course to read and write a test on to pass in on Friday. Not to mention lab tomorrow, and the fact that I have to finish writing up my biochem lab tonight. I'm so pissed off. I get my hopes up, and I never get to do what I'd like to do, because some prof always decides to schedule something for the precise moment I have plans. Thank you very much. I appreciate it I must say. That's fine, I'll see him again in five months. Oh boys...how they mess with your mind...

The thing is, while I don't sound it right now, I'm happier right now than I have been, like...ever. My relationship is going so great. We talked for three hours the other night, (and now you say, ha! no wonder you're behind) but it was a one time deal, and an amazing conversation that left me giddy. I didn't even know it was possible for a guy to treat me this way...and I didn't expect it to be him. He's been right in front of me for years...

Anyway, I have to go finish some work. I'm planning on working my ass off in a vain (pretty certain) attempt to go home on the weekend...

I can't breathe. (That's a side note)

I feel like someone is sitting on my chest (is that normal?)

Later.

Moonlit Words Written For Him

Mon, 26 Aug 2002 03:47:42 GMT

That I might have you,
finally my own,
intoxicating to the point where my words are unrelinquished,
and my touch is unharnessed.

And for that to be taken,
so quickly, by you
pulled unmercifully away as my lips dance along your
beating pulse

That I might dream of having you again,
although I shouldn't wish that upon myself
when you made your statement clear,
leaving without words,
walking away with silent stomping footsteps.

Ungracefully waving your callused hand,
goodbye,
When you were clear that losing me would break you,
And that my kisses, although gentle, made you ache.

I meant to show you how I needed you,
and I fear I was unsuccessful,
I meant to tell you that I wanted you,
but you made it clear that you don't care.

Philosophy...

Tue, 07 May 2002 04:27:54 GMT

Prospects don't look so barren anymore. I've suddenly realized that if you're not the person you want to be, in every respect that is humanly and spiritually possible, then you can't be completely happy. After having a long, open discussion with some of my closest friends, realizing that it was the first time I'd talked, and I mean really *talked* to anyone my own age in a long time (meaning that I didn't just sit there thinking quietly to myself, listening to everything they were saying. I participated with my own opinions, and my own dreams and thoughts) I feel somewhat liberated. I think I should start making more effort to be me, and to be a happy me. I never had a problem with this before, going through the motions. I always have been a happy-go-lucky individual, but somewhere that changed. I don't know how or why, only that it did. And that I don't like it.

In fact, I hate it so much that I want to change it right now. To throw away everything in my life that doesn't make one ounce of sense, and to work diligently on the things that only partly make sense in order to make them clearer. Sometimes I like to sit in silence, sometimes I like to listen to what other people are saying instead of actually participating actively in the conversation, but I do it way too often lately. To be honest, sometimes I feel like I don't belong. Tonight, that was different. Before, it was almost as though I was slipping away, because I refused to accept the fact that I wasn't the 'normal' (and I use that term loosely) me anymore. It's okay to change, but when it's a positive one. And I like to express myself. Usually in writing, and sometimes in words and speech. Less often in words lately. I don't know where this comes from, but maybe from being completely absorbed in other things, less important things than my actual well-being, like for instance school.

I'm not saying that I'm a horrible person and that there's something terribly wrong with me. That's not it. I'm different, that's all. I'm different than I used to be, for one. And I'm also different from other people--which I embrace. I do want to make a list of goals though, things that will hopefully make me more happy, and more accepting of this change. I want to be able to talk again, to take back my voice. I want it. And I need it like the air I breathe.

Here are some of the top things that I want on my list of goals:

- I need to figure out what the fuck it is that I'm doing with my life. I want to be a doctor. I want to be a pediatric oncologist. And I'm failing miserably at this goal. In fact, I hate my degree. It is perhaps the thing that makes me most unhappy in my life. I sit down to study and I dread having to open the books. That doesn't mean I want to be a doctor any less, it just means that perhaps I should look at a different route of getting there. A lot of people tell me that I'm wasting my talent, that I should do an english degree and write. My excuse was that it was the easy way out. Because writing came natural, but what if I'm wrong? What if I'm just meant to do it? And correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be better to be very very happy doing a degree I enjoy, expressing myself in the way that I want to, than wasting my creative energy preparing slides of soybean cells to examine under five different microscopic stains, so I can spit back to the scientific reactions and reasons for what was stained in each preparation? Wouldn't I be better off happy than dreading the thought of getting my marks, because I know I did my best at something that I hated. And the reason my marks were so horrid was because my heart wasn't in it? I give everything 100%. At least, I give everything I believe in, 100% of my effort. I think the problem lies here. And I have to think of a solution.

This is where I'm going to end my list for tonight. I'm tired, it's late, and I have to think about what I'm going to do about this. I've sudden;y become greatly philosophical, but I don't think it's entirely bad to examine things this way. If anything, it will help. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, and maybe I'll come up with another question, or another answer...

Look! I'm a star!

Sun, 05 May 2002 04:01:30 GMT

You are Drew
Barrymore!

You acted in cool movies like:

Charlie's Angels, Never Been Kissed, The Wedding Singer,

Scream, Poison Ivy and E.T.

Take the "Which Hollywood Princess are you?"
quiz @ planetag.de

I'm about to shit my pants...

Mon, 29 Apr 2002 19:24:24 GMT

Hello hello, it's been a long time. I guess that's what it is to be a University student. And I don't even know if I'm relieved yet that it's over for four whole months. Why, you ask? Because I'm petrified. My marks won't be online for another 2 hours and 20 minutes and I'm absolutely petrified. I just spent a friggin' hour on the phone with tech-help because my computer wouldn't connect, and now that I'm actually online I feel like I'm about to vomit. BLAH!

I would just like to point out while I still can, that is, before I get the marks that prove otherwise, that I worked my ass off this semester. I swear, I'm about to swallow my own tonsils. Ohhhhhhh....I'm going to fail everything. I know that I've never been so ill-prepared for anything in my entire life as I was for my finals this semester, despite never leaving the goddamned house.

I'm home now, thank GOD. And I've managed to catch some flu bug again, yay. I've slept non-stop for the past three days. I wake up, and feel as though I haven't slept at all...I think maybe I'll make an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow. If this persists...thank God for swollen throat glands and ear aches...oh yes...the joys...

On the up side....hm, what can I say that's been positive about this day? Um...well, I might have to get back to you. Waiting for failing grades while battling a horrible flu bug doesn't top my list of exciting things to do...

I do get to eat homecooked meals and drive my car!! That's a bonus...

And I get to talk to Sarah, and write rp's and fanfics and stories as often as I'd like for at least the next little while...that's a plus...

Hm...I just wish I could pass all my courses. My brother's wedding is on the 18th of May, we're supposed to be leaving to go up there on the 10th...but if I don't pass physics, I'm gonna have to do that over the summer. Or write a supplementary exam...and yes, I *do* think I've failed. I do think there's not a chance in hell that I'll pass the course, judging by the exam. Now, what the hell do I do? I'll have to miss my brother's wedding, won't see my nephew...awwww....somebody shoot me. I wish I weren't such an idiot.

I'm gonna have to go for now. Must go try to do something productive, like light the fire or clean the kitchen. I have a feeling I won't be able to see through my tears tonight after I get my marks. Sarah....keep your fingers crossed for me...oh man...I'm gonna lose my lunch...

Bad Espressos sometimes exist...hold the creme...

Mon, 25 Mar 2002 06:17:07 GMT

Right on, I love Rainbow Brite. One of the best cartoons of the 80's! I was impressed to find this quiz...even though I don't remember much about the show, just that I *absolutely* loved it when I was really little. Rainbow Brite, the Gummy Bears, Smurfs, JEM!!, Teddy Ruxpin, y'know, all the good ones! Actually, E.T is about the first movie I watched I would assume...and I watched that last night. 80's television shows and movies were classic. And now, I'm dating myself. LOL.

Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By Growing.

I also found out that I'm straight! (surprise! No, not really a surprise...) LOL. Honestly, the things I find to do with my time...

Goodnight!

Personality...

Sun, 24 Mar 2002 06:57:48 GMT

Dude! I so have to go to bed now. I'm completely zonked. I haven't stopped much for most of the day. Got up late (for once), went to the science building and did my verts lab, came home and made supper. The Cheri and I went to see a movie. We wanted to see "Forty Days and Forty Nights" just because it sounds like a laugh, but it was sold out. Damn city...lol...

We went to see E.T. I love that movie. In fact, I didn't remember much about it, except for the fact that it made me cry when I was little. And I can't really say much has changed since then...heh...

Anyway, I would write a longer, more contemplative entry, but I'm tired. So I'll leave this nice little quiz in place of what I would have written. Sarah sent it to me...surprise, we got the same result...lol...scary...

take free enneagram
test

Night night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. If they bite, squeeze them tight, and they won't bite another night!

PS: Amanda phone home?!?

Productive!

Thu, 21 Mar 2002 03:23:39 GMT

Okay, after last night's little episode (freak out, whatever you want to label it) I knew something had to be done. So... I went to see my lab demonstrator, and pointed out the questions I was completely lost with. So at least I've looked at and tried to figure out all the problems on the assignments now. It's a good start. I'm going to do tomorrow's Vertebrates lab on Saturday so I can study all day tomorrow, and that should help out with time constraints. Now that I've got that in order...I made a list of things to do.

Even though I spent all night in theatre class, I'm kinda relaxed. I was very productive this afternoon. I'm somewhat proud, and even if I don't do *very* well on my physics, I will know that I tried my best...or...the best I could under these circumstances...

What's funny is, I understood my very first physics class of the semester today. Know why? Because our prof was sick, and we had the other prof for this course, who everyone always raves about. And it's true, the class went *much* more quickly, and I *knew* exactly what he was doing. Grrr, damn Foltz and his insolence.

Anyway, here's my list...

Things to do:

1. Study physics problems, and read conceptual pages (as many as possible before Friday afternoon).

This is most important for now. You will not fail. You will *not* fail!!

2. Revise Review for play, and make sure it's worthy of it's mark allotment.

3. Get up on cell notes and review for cell biology lab final (which you will fail if you're not careful).

4. Get up on biochemistry notes and read appropriate sections in book.

5. Get up on Vertebrates notes, and read pertinent sections in the book. Use his notes as a shell

6. Perhaps get a little sleep. Maybe eat something. And maybe, just maybe, watch a movie or read something that doesn't pertain to school.

7. Photocopy and practice scene with Jennifer from "The Glass Menagerie" for April 3rd, production night.

That's just some stuff to start with. Anyway, I'm off to reply to a roleplay post, then it's back to the books for me...

I'm feeling much better today.

Productive!

Thu, 21 Mar 2002 03:23:10 GMT

Uh huh...

Wed, 20 Mar 2002 05:22:22 GMT

Funny since my hair is every color but pink, and all natural to be quite honest. A little blonde, a little brown, a lot of red...lol...

I think that quiz was botched somehow. Recently, I've been losing sight of what's important in life. I'm trying really hard to regain a sense of it, but it might take a little while...

Borderline insanity...

Wed, 20 Mar 2002 04:05:00 GMT

If I only had a sledgehammer...I swear to God...my Physics professor deserves it to his fucking pea-brained head.

This is going to be a bitchy entry. Mainly because I'm a nineteen year old student who hasn't left the house in approximately 5 weeks because I HAVE NO LIFE. My life consists of waking up every morning to attend classes that have nothing to do with my field of interest, go to countless labs that do nothing but waste time that I could be using to study for the million and one exams that I have to write, or maybe, God forbid, catch up on much needed sleep.

Is it too much to ask that I get a little bit of a break before Finals start? It is too much to ask that I get to keep this *one* strand of lucidity that I've tried so hard to keep? Is it really?

I've been sitting here all night, trying to do yet *another* physics assignment, one that I cannot do. Surprise! So I'm well prepared for Friday's midterm. It's okay if I fail it, really. I don't need to boost my average after I so narrowly missed the fail mark on the first one. And I can't help but bitch. Because it's a fucking first level physics course, and I *should* understand it. And I don't. University seriously makes me consider whether I was dropped on my head frequently as a baby. There's no other explanation for it than that. I try, HARD. And I resent people who tell me that I don't try. I do...if I tried any harder, I might just be admitted to an asylum of sorts, God knows I put enough pressure on myself.

And I guess the whole point of this rant is to explain that I NEED A BREAK!!!! I haven't stopped for the past five weeks, but that doesn't mean that I'm caught up on my reading and all other necessary work, no, it just means that I'm getting further and further behind because I have to keep up on something else that has to be passed in, that's worth diddly shit. I haven't had a decent nights' sleep in forever, and I have so much on my mind...ugghhh...how can I pass this physics test when I have so much left to learn, and so little time...and nobody to help me...

It's times like this that I miss high school, and the personable teachers instead of detached profs who cannot teach and are only out for themselves. No matter how many idiots there were there...

I have to keep telling myself that I'm really not as dumb as I think...but I am. I must be. Maybe I'll go work on some more physics. I have to go see my lab instructor tomorrow, he told me he'd help me every second Wednesday when I don't have a lab. Tomorrow will be the second time that I've actually been free to meet with him. He's good. He knows what he's talking about, whether he can drill it into me two days before a midterm is another story.

At least my vertebrates paper is finally done and out of the way. I have so much to do...and sitting here complaining doesn't do much but put in writing how miserable I am right now. I cannot wait until I'm in school for the right reasons. And I'm taking courses that I want to do because I like them, and find them interesting. I'm seriously re-thinking this whole thing. I'm sorry that I'm wasting time. I'm sorry that I'm an idiot who doesn't have the confidence to succeed. I'm just sorry I guess...and I don't really know why. But when I can't learn something, I get so frustrated. And it's my fault. And now I feel guilty for not trying hard enough...how the fuck is that possible? Hold on a second and I'll squeeze a couple more hours into today...yeah, that's what I'll do. Think that'll work?

Yeah, I'm gone to learn some physics. I have three hours of class tomorrow night...I have to learn what I can while I can...

How weird is this Sarah?!?

Wed, 27 Feb 2002 23:39:58 GMT

	You are Fozzie! Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on..
*Take the What Muppet Are You?* Quiz!**

Yeah...I'll write again later when I finally get a chance to breathe...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Thu, 14 Feb 2002 20:06:19 GMT

Hello, hello, hello...

I am soooo giddy at the moment. It's crazy. Apart from feeling relieved that my Cell Biology Midterm is behind me (even though it was a brutality I would never like to relive), I am not having to throw myself into my physics book at a vain attempt at making more than a 10 on the exam tomorrow.

A huge part of me feels guilty for this though. In fact, I don't know how I did it. Cheri and I were both in the same predicament, so we went to our prof. I told him that we can't go home next weekend because we have a distance ed. midterm on Saturday. (Cheri actually does), and that since we can't go home for midterm break we were planning on going home this weekend. We told him the only chance we have is a ride home at 2:30 (the lab when we were supposed to write our exam in is at 2). So...to make a long story short, he said it wasn't a big deal and we could write our midterm on Monday. I'm sorry God...I had to do it...I just cannot fail...

How pathetic am I? I mean, I never lie. Like...ever...hehehe, but I think when I do, I'm good at it.

I'm by no means study-free now. It's not as though I had a choice unless I wanted to fail. Tonight I have to write up a Cell Bio lab, and do text analysis for theatre class, both things have to be passed in tomorrow. Also, I have to write all my journal entries for theatre class, and learn my monlogue off-book for Wednesday night. I have a biochem lab due on Monday, and another Cell bio lab write-up to pass in on Tuesday. Plus, I have a biochemistry lab exam on Wednesday. That's a hell of a lot of work. My parents decided to come in this weekend, so...I have to work all night tonight, and all day tomorrow. I'll stay home tomorrow night to get a lot done. Plus...Saturday and Sunday (as much as I can, I'll be working).

Ugghh...My cell biology midterm was brutal. I thought, y'know, that after studying it for a week solid that I would do okay. And, me, being as stressed and worried as I was, studied every spare moment I had. I *hate* that I do my best, and end up doing badly anyway. The diagrams we had to label were so complicated...nothing like the ones we were given in our book. Well, the things we had to label were difficult anyway...I can't even explain it. The multiple choice were good, and even the short answer questions. But I figure if I pass it'll be lucky...because the diagrams were worth 15 marks out of 40. I *know* I got the last diagram right...but the other 2...only parts of them. Ugghhh...I'm so burned out...I'm trying to take a break, but sitting here writing about this is not helping.

So, happy Valentine's day. I'm gonna go cook something to eat. Something decent.

Later!

Return of the nerds...part three...

Wed, 13 Feb 2002 05:29:26 GMT

I am soooo burned out!!!!!

I officially need a break. I get to decide this on occassion, when it gets to the point that when I close my eyes, they hurt from the strain of reading. I actually fell asleep on my books tonight. Luckily, my mother phoned and woke me up accidentally. So...I couldn't beat myself up over my *maybe* ten whole minutes of sleep. I really can't afford to sleep right now. The next few days are going to be the kind that just run together as I parade around at full tilt trying desperately to get everything done, studied, written, and passed in on time. Yes, it's been fun. And it's going to get even better.

GOD I LOVE MIDTERMS!! (you can note the sarcasm anytime there...)

I feel surprisingly okay right now. I mean, I'm stressed. And very, very tired. But, even though I don't have everything studied yet (not even hardly) I'm not panicking. I'm only on the brink of panic...talk to me tomorrow and I can assure you it will be a different story. It's times like tomorrow I wish I had a steady supply of paper bags...pathetic, I know.

Yet another entry that consists entirely of school-related things. I have to say though, after reading Sarah's journal entry, I agree whole-heartedly. Both of her conclusions were dead on. Her first was that whoever said that college years were the best and most fun of a person's life was definately not a biology major. And her second conclusion was that sleep is a waste of time. I second both motions, Sarah. I just wish that somehow we could get them changed, because I for one, am exhausted.

If I can make it until Friday I'll be doing good. All I have to do is study my little heart out until then, and I might have half a chance of doing okay. God, I think I'm gonna be sick before that time.

Tomorrow I have to finish studying cell biology for my midterm on Thursday, which means I still have to read chapter 12, and parts of 13-15. I have 1, 3, 7, and 8 studied, if you can call it that. I also have a Physics midterm this week, in lab on Friday afternoon. Physics is *not* going well, and unfortunately, I have too much on my plate to study for it right now. I feel like no matter how much time I devote to school, I always manage to fall behind in something. I have a text analysis due for theatre class on Friday afternoon, *and* I have to do an entire cell-biology lab write-up to pass in for Friday. Here's the thing, *that's* not worth anything. However, we have to do two of them, and we get letter grades. If we get D's on both of them, we have to do a third one to pass in...it's practice for the final lab exam. So, I don't want to risk not doing well. I won't have time to do a third one. UGHH!!! So, tomorrow night I'm coming home from lab, turning my computer off, unplugging the phone, setting up a porta potty next to my bed (hehehe), and jumping into my cell bio book. Thursday I'll have to do the lab write-up as well as study for Physics. I have a feeling a lot of my classes are going to miss me this until Monday. I'm also going to do my Vertebrates lab on Saturday instead of Thursday, just so I can gain an extra three hours there. Sound like a plan? Yes, indeed.

Okay, I don't know why I wrote all that. It's very disorganized, which is exactly how I feel at the moment. I guess I'll survive though. As I've already mentioned, if I can live until Friday I'll be okay. And Friday I can come home and sleep for a few hours. That's what's gonna keep me going.

I'm going to go finish studying the end of chapter 8 now. Then I'm going to bed, I have to get up early to study. The energy flow crap is gonna take me all tomorrow night to learn. TCA cycle, and all that junk...Chapter 12 I'll do tomorrow morning. That's the endomembrane systems. We just finished it today, so...it should be somewhat fresh.

I'm going to stop ranting for now. Still no plans for the weekend. I have a feeling I should leave the house at *some* point this weekend though, since I've only left the house to go to classes for a total of about two weeks in a row. I feel like such a geek. But it's necessary. I'm so afraid I'm gonna do bad.

Goodnight.

Hehehehe...

Mon, 11 Feb 2002 21:03:56 GMT

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So much to do...

Mon, 11 Feb 2002 20:48:07 GMT

Okay, I just wanted to write a short note in here. I don't really have a whole lot to say. My mind is filled with all kinds of jumble, like Cell Biology and Physics. Mainly, I'm just really worried. I'm going to go study one of the many chapters of Cell that I have to know by Thursday. I just don't think it's going to be possible to get everything done.

I'm pretty impressed with my Character analysis that I finished yesterday. Although, that won't help me pass my Physics midterm. I don't know where I'll get a chance to study physics, and since the assignments have been HARD, I don't know how I'm gonna manage.

Cell bio might not be as hard, but there's a lot of information that I still have to learn. It's not enough to go to class...turns out I actually have to read things inside and out in order to do well.

Tonight I have a 3 hour class, tomorrow I have a lab, Wednesday I have a lab, Thursday and Friday I have labs. It's horrible. Wednesday night's theatre class might have to be skipped. And I think I'll do Thursday's lab on Saturday. That should help out a little with the time constraints. How pathetic that I have to plan my life this way...hehehe...

I'm such a nerd. All I wanna do is get good marks. And right now, I think that's probably a near impossible feat. I'm going to go study for an hour before class though.

My weekend was okay...I stayed in the whole time and tried to do work. The procrastination hasn't gone away any though, oops. I think it's the fear of failure. It always comes back to that. If I don't spend as much time as possible on something, then I can say I just didn't put in enough effort. I wish things could be different.

Like I said, this is not an important entry...I have nothing to say...

How fitting...I don't have anything to say...

Thu, 07 Feb 2002 06:17:23 GMT

Um, I don't know what's going on. I'm just so incredibly exhausted. And, everything...everything is fucked up. I have this huge lump in my throat, culminating from all the stress, and worry, and sadness...tiredness. I'm so tired. Not just physically. I'm so emotionally and physically drained that I don't know I know I should be in bed, but it's so hard to leave this chair when all I want to do is write down the way I'm feeling before I explode.

This has just been a horrid week so far. Well, it extends a little further back. I've got so much work to do that I don't know where to start. The prioritizing has been done...but...it's just not working out. I guess I should be happy with the way that my biochemistry midterm went today, at least I answered all the questions and may have possibly done okay. If I answered them somewhat correctly. I don't know though, I feel like I put a lot into studying for it-and I probably won't get an A. I might get a B. But I feel so stupid here in this place. I used to be intelligent, I used to pride myself on that. And now I have to accept the fact that no matter how hard I try, I manage to fuck things up. I'm such a perfectionist, and I find it impossible with four labs a week, and a three hour night class two days a week. It's impossible to study. All I ever want to do when I get home is sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep.

The kitchen's a mess. That's just a side note. I'll clean that now in a minute, yeah...as soon as I pull my magic wand out of my ass and whip up a nice little cleaning frenzy in there.

So I still have to do a physics assignment. It's not started yet. It's due Friday, along with my character analysis for theatre class. It might be okay if my prof was semi-decent and I had a clue what he was saying. But no, Amanda had to get the horrible prof who mumbles into his microphone like Kermit the fucking frog, and knows about as much physics as an igneous rock.

In the last little while, I've had so much to think about that my brain is in overdrive. I tried to go to sleep this afternoon, after the infamous biochem exam (even though I could have and should have used the time more wisely) but instead I spent forever just laying there trying to fall asleep. Last week, a close friend of my family died, I had to study all weekend for a midterm, went to the library to try to take out important books two days in a row because the damn things were not on reserve and the english students must have gotten to them first. I'm just a lowly biology major, I have *all* the time in the world to go to the library with my four labs a week. Sure. So that was that. I finally picked a play, and now I have to do a character analysis on it. This is due on Friday along with my physics assignment. I have a cell Biology midterm on the 14th, that's next week, Valentine's day...but let's not even go there yet. And, I realized today that I have a physics midterm on the 15th. That should be a fun one to fail.

So, there's all that. And then there's the fact that I'm an idiot and I allowed myself to get distracted. Distracted by a boy *shakes head*. Well, only to a degree though.

I made a promise that I would go to a show tomorrow night. The ticket is bought and everything. But I'm in such a sad mood right now, that it's 2:23am and I don't think I'll be doing much work now. I have to somehow, in between my time off after my lab, that is...in between 5 and whenever the show begins I have to whip up answers to 26 multiple choice I have no idea how to answer. Jolly Good show is all I have to say about that. I guess "Annie Get your Gun" will have to wait for another time. And I guess I just wasted 15 dollars. That's okay, I'm a student. I can afford that.

Wow, I sound very chipper, hm? Well. I needed to vent I guess. So Valentine's day should be fun now, especially since Tim and I are going to have a "talk". Not that I've said anything in here about the fact that we've been dating again. I think I was hesitant for a reason, I just didn't want to give up completely. I thought, what if it's something good and I never give it a chance. What if. And then I might always wonder. But we don't have it. We don't have the connection. If we can't talk, then what's the point? Because I'm not gonna just put-out. That's not what a relationship is about for me. I won't do that, haven't ever done that, don't plan on doing that anytime soon. There should be a level of communication there, something that can't be broken. Trust. I don't know how we can get past it. I know a lot of people think he's a prick, and I'm included in that sometimes. I think he's a jerk some days. Other times I think he's just a guy, and he's a nice guy at that...I just don't need this right now. I have too much shit going on, and I don't need this to add to my growing pile of concerns.

I still like him. How fucked up is that? I know some people disapprove. But, most everyone who has met him is like, 'oh, he's such a nice guy'. Lately I find myself disagreeing with that statement, and I guess there's my answer. I was hesitant to go back with him because I wasn't sure we had the same intentions and I knew I didn't want to get hurt. I went in with my eyes open, so I don't think I was naive in that respect. Just naive for thinking there was a possibility that things could be different. There's still part of me that I won't spend Valentine's day without him though...and it makes me a little sad.

Someone said they didn't want to see me settle. That's not it. I didn't lower my standards. But right now, I don't know that I can keep doing this.

I'm so sad right now. And so tired. I just want to go to sleep for years.

I made up a quote tonight though, and I deem it appropriate.

'There's only so much time that can pass in silence'. ~Amanda (Feb. 7, 2002)

I guess I'll end on that note. Maybe I'll bring a box of tissues to bed with me. Pathetic? Yes. Pretty much.

I'm feeling homesick now...

How fitting...I don't have anything to say...

Thu, 07 Feb 2002 06:17:18 GMT