My · memoires...

Hello again,

So, I'm sitting here with a turban-wrapped towel on my wet hair, in my pj's, and I'm too lazy to get up off my ass to go dry my hair. It's a simple task really--but I get so tired of it. Oh to have the kind of hair you can just *let* dry. As if that's a possibility.

Mark is working again tonight, but it's the last one for a while! Even though he'll still be working every day for a while, he's switched to days so we'll at least get to breathe the same oxygen for a few hours a day! That translates basically into "Amanda will once again be sane for more than five minutes a day." On the down side, I just got over my flu by passing it on to him and we leave to go to Edmonton in two days. Gulp. On a more positive note, we get to spend some time at his parents lake cottage (which I love) while his parents are not there. Bonus. I'm gonna have that wood-burning fireplace going. all. night. long. Hehehe.

So I got back from Newfoundland last Sunday, but I haven't written an entry yet. The med school interview went well I hope. I'm one of those people who honestly never has any idea how an interview or test went. It could have gone either way. They either liked me and showed it, or pretended to like me and I didn't notice the act. I know there were some questions I definitely could have answered better, but I mean, there's a lot of pressure there. You can't have an answer for everything--I hope they expect that. I think they must. At any rate, I won't know until May...so there's no use in focusing on it. I'd be worn so thin by then...and for what?

Anyway, must sign off...I'm zonked...and I have to get up before 6am. Oh the joys. But my new job is great so far!

Night night.

I don't know how I even have the energy to write this journal at the moment, but I'll give a little update anyhow. Mark's still on vacation in Banff, skiing. The lucky little shit! Hehehe. No, I love him--I'm glad he's having a good time. In fact, I'd be there with him if I didn't have to work this week. Alas, I still have four more 12 hour shifts before my week is through. It would be fine if I weren't the *only* person on my team trained on the new samples that we're getting. I'm tired, my feet hurt, my knees hurt, and fuck it, my nerves can't take much more. I'm at the beck and call of the engineers, and it seems okay that I didn't get breaks today. I wish my supervisor would train my teammates before night shifts. Oh well, there's always next cycle.

So, I'm flying to Newfoundland right after my last night shift! It's exciting, but it also means there are just 8 days (and counting) until my med school interview. Gulp. I'm freaked out about it--even though it will do me no good whatsoever. I don't have much more time to prep, that's all. Hopefully I can charm the pants off of the panel anyway. Hehehe. I really hope something intelligent can come out of my mouth besides, 'uhh...hehehe...I wanna be a doctor because I like white...' I feel like I'm gonna mess it up--but that's just nerves. I just have to keep telling myself that I already made it through the first round, and they weren't obligated to call me for an interview.

It's mine and Mark's 15 month anniversary today. Pretty crazy! We're not going to see much of each other for the rest of the month, just the way it works out with work and travel and such. But...we have tickets to see an NHL game at the beginning of March, so that's exciting!!

Anyway, I should sign off now--these fourteen hour days are starting to catch up to me. Ciao.

I honestly didn't think it was going to end.

But it did.

It soooo did! And I am absolutely thrilled that I don't have to spend another moment nosing through those god-forsaken books. It's been a long year, and a hard semester, and I must say--I feel rather accomplished right now. I made it through. It was tough, but I persevered. Although I don't have my marks back yet, I'm hoping that I might have done remotely okay. And I know that even if I don't, I worked like a dog!

Side note: Mr. Zebra by Tori Amos just came on my winamp!! Tori Rocks. And the tempo of this song suits my mood entirely right now.

So, I spent the entire afternoon doing wonderful, exciting things. I love the downtown life. Absolutely. All the shops are amazing, and you hear people singing in the street or playing the bongo drums on the steps of a closed bank, and everything just seems--awesome!! My roomate Margery and I went downtown and just window shopped for hours. I didn't have money to spend, but it didn't matter. Then, when we got hungry, we stopped into Jungle Jims for appetizers and ended up having an awesome time and good conversation. It's really kewl actually, 'cause we've never had a chance to hang out outside of the house because we're always too busy with school. I always knew it would be fun though!
And the best part of it all is that I didn't have to think once that I should be elsewhere...like in my room studying...

Now...I'm waiting for my friend Ash to come over. We're gonna go out and do something, probably with Cheri and Margery too. Elly is gonna watch game seven (She's my girl, hockey fanatic El). We're gonna go for coffee or something of the short. Should be fun. I'm excited!!

Anyway, must go! Things to do! People to see!

Thoughts running through my head:

...Rodge will be here on Thursday night!!...can't wait to see my baby...

...Timber is playing downtown at Club Etomic on Thursday night!!...wanna go see them...

...going home on Sunday!! Awesome!!...

...mom and dad are gonna be here on Saturday...with my puppy!!!...

...Just got an Easter card in the mail from mom and dad! That was really thoughtful!!!....

Anyway, really gonna go now!

Peace, love and happiness. Cheers,

A.

Okay, I realize it may be just a little selfish to be writing about my problems right now, in light of everything else that's going on in the world. But I can't help this.

I feel like someone is sitting directly on my chest (and regarding myself carefully I can honestly note that there isn't). I can't breathe. I can't even focus on the most important thing that I should do out of my list of hundred to do's...because they're all equally important...and they're all equally unfinished.

The bad thing is, knowing that I have all this work to do, I can't help but feel completely drained. So drained in fact, that all I want to do is sleep...but I can't! I'm wasting time here merely because if I don't vent to someone or something, I'm going to go insane. And I think people are generally content not to hear my BS problems...

So, any word on how I can help myself breathe more easily? Perhaps...hm....maybe an oxygen tank would go over well...

I just want to see the light at the end of this long, dark, lonely, slow-moving tunnel...

Anyone? Turn on the light up there! (I'd really appreciate it)

Well, I really don't have the time to write, but I'm so goddamn stressed that I'm going to do it anyway. I knew things were headed this way, because thanks to a wonderful non-specific viral infection that invaded my body over the summer and decided to take up residence there I'd rather sleep than study. Now I have too much work to do, I have the flu, I have very painful period cramps, PMS, and not enough hours left to do everything in.

I was planning on going home this weekend, because my bf is leaving to go to Alberta in a week. But I guess that was a pipe dream. I have a test on Friday morning that I have to study for, and I have three and a half chapters of my psych distance ed. course to read and write a test on to pass in on Friday. Not to mention lab tomorrow, and the fact that I have to finish writing up my biochem lab tonight. I'm so pissed off. I get my hopes up, and I never get to do what I'd like to do, because some prof always decides to schedule something for the precise moment I have plans. Thank you very much. I appreciate it I must say. That's fine, I'll see him again in five months. Oh boys...how they mess with your mind...

The thing is, while I don't sound it right now, I'm happier right now than I have been, like...ever. My relationship is going so great. We talked for three hours the other night, (and now you say, ha! no wonder you're behind) but it was a one time deal, and an amazing conversation that left me giddy. I didn't even know it was possible for a guy to treat me this way...and I didn't expect it to be him. He's been right in front of me for years...

Anyway, I have to go finish some work. I'm planning on working my ass off in a vain (pretty certain) attempt to go home on the weekend...

I can't breathe. (That's a side note)

I feel like someone is sitting on my chest (is that normal?)

Later.

Prospects don't look so barren anymore. I've suddenly realized that if you're not the person you want to be, in every respect that is humanly and spiritually possible, then you can't be completely happy. After having a long, open discussion with some of my closest friends, realizing that it was the first time I'd talked, and I mean really *talked* to anyone my own age in a long time (meaning that I didn't just sit there thinking quietly to myself, listening to everything they were saying. I participated with my own opinions, and my own dreams and thoughts) I feel somewhat liberated. I think I should start making more effort to be me, and to be a happy me. I never had a problem with this before, going through the motions. I always have been a happy-go-lucky individual, but somewhere that changed. I don't know how or why, only that it did. And that I don't like it.

In fact, I hate it so much that I want to change it right now. To throw away everything in my life that doesn't make one ounce of sense, and to work diligently on the things that only partly make sense in order to make them clearer. Sometimes I like to sit in silence, sometimes I like to listen to what other people are saying instead of actually participating actively in the conversation, but I do it way too often lately. To be honest, sometimes I feel like I don't belong. Tonight, that was different. Before, it was almost as though I was slipping away, because I refused to accept the fact that I wasn't the 'normal' (and I use that term loosely) me anymore. It's okay to change, but when it's a positive one. And I like to express myself. Usually in writing, and sometimes in words and speech. Less often in words lately. I don't know where this comes from, but maybe from being completely absorbed in other things, less important things than my actual well-being, like for instance school.

I'm not saying that I'm a horrible person and that there's something terribly wrong with me. That's not it. I'm different, that's all. I'm different than I used to be, for one. And I'm also different from other people--which I embrace. I do want to make a list of goals though, things that will hopefully make me more happy, and more accepting of this change. I want to be able to talk again, to take back my voice. I want it. And I need it like the air I breathe.

Here are some of the top things that I want on my list of goals:

- I need to figure out what the fuck it is that I'm doing with my life. I want to be a doctor. I want to be a pediatric oncologist. And I'm failing miserably at this goal. In fact, I hate my degree. It is perhaps the thing that makes me most unhappy in my life. I sit down to study and I dread having to open the books. That doesn't mean I want to be a doctor any less, it just means that perhaps I should look at a different route of getting there. A lot of people tell me that I'm wasting my talent, that I should do an english degree and write. My excuse was that it was the easy way out. Because writing came natural, but what if I'm wrong? What if I'm just meant to do it? And correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be better to be very very happy doing a degree I enjoy, expressing myself in the way that I want to, than wasting my creative energy preparing slides of soybean cells to examine under five different microscopic stains, so I can spit back to the scientific reactions and reasons for what was stained in each preparation? Wouldn't I be better off happy than dreading the thought of getting my marks, because I know I did my best at something that I hated. And the reason my marks were so horrid was because my heart wasn't in it? I give everything 100%. At least, I give everything I believe in, 100% of my effort. I think the problem lies here. And I have to think of a solution.

This is where I'm going to end my list for tonight. I'm tired, it's late, and I have to think about what I'm going to do about this. I've sudden;y become greatly philosophical, but I don't think it's entirely bad to examine things this way. If anything, it will help. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, and maybe I'll come up with another question, or another answer...

Hello hello, it's been a long time. I guess that's what it is to be a University student. And I don't even know if I'm relieved yet that it's over for four whole months. Why, you ask? Because I'm petrified. My marks won't be online for another 2 hours and 20 minutes and I'm absolutely petrified. I just spent a friggin' hour on the phone with tech-help because my computer wouldn't connect, and now that I'm actually online I feel like I'm about to vomit. BLAH!

I would just like to point out while I still can, that is, before I get the marks that prove otherwise, that I worked my ass off this semester. I swear, I'm about to swallow my own tonsils. Ohhhhhhh....I'm going to fail everything. I know that I've never been so ill-prepared for anything in my entire life as I was for my finals this semester, despite never leaving the goddamned house.

I'm home now, thank GOD. And I've managed to catch some flu bug again, yay. I've slept non-stop for the past three days. I wake up, and feel as though I haven't slept at all...I think maybe I'll make an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow. If this persists...thank God for swollen throat glands and ear aches...oh yes...the joys...

On the up side....hm, what can I say that's been positive about this day? Um...well, I might have to get back to you. Waiting for failing grades while battling a horrible flu bug doesn't top my list of exciting things to do...

I do get to eat homecooked meals and drive my car!! That's a bonus...

And I get to talk to Sarah, and write rp's and fanfics and stories as often as I'd like for at least the next little while...that's a plus...

Hm...I just wish I could pass all my courses. My brother's wedding is on the 18th of May, we're supposed to be leaving to go up there on the 10th...but if I don't pass physics, I'm gonna have to do that over the summer. Or write a supplementary exam...and yes, I *do* think I've failed. I do think there's not a chance in hell that I'll pass the course, judging by the exam. Now, what the hell do I do? I'll have to miss my brother's wedding, won't see my nephew...awwww....somebody shoot me. I wish I weren't such an idiot.

I'm gonna have to go for now. Must go try to do something productive, like light the fire or clean the kitchen. I have a feeling I won't be able to see through my tears tonight after I get my marks. Sarah....keep your fingers crossed for me...oh man...I'm gonna lose my lunch...

Dude! I so have to go to bed now. I'm completely zonked. I haven't stopped much for most of the day. Got up late (for once), went to the science building and did my verts lab, came home and made supper. The Cheri and I went to see a movie. We wanted to see "Forty Days and Forty Nights" just because it sounds like a laugh, but it was sold out. Damn city...lol...

We went to see E.T. I love that movie. In fact, I didn't remember much about it, except for the fact that it made me cry when I was little. And I can't really say much has changed since then...heh...

Anyway, I would write a longer, more contemplative entry, but I'm tired. So I'll leave this nice little quiz in place of what I would have written. Sarah sent it to me...surprise, we got the same result...lol...scary...




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Night night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. If they bite, squeeze them tight, and they won't bite another night!

PS: Amanda phone home?!?

Okay, after last night's little episode (freak out, whatever you want to label it) I knew something had to be done. So... I went to see my lab demonstrator, and pointed out the questions I was completely lost with. So at least I've looked at and tried to figure out all the problems on the assignments now. It's a good start. I'm going to do tomorrow's Vertebrates lab on Saturday so I can study all day tomorrow, and that should help out with time constraints. Now that I've got that in order...I made a list of things to do.

Even though I spent all night in theatre class, I'm kinda relaxed. I was very productive this afternoon. I'm somewhat proud, and even if I don't do *very* well on my physics, I will know that I tried my best...or...the best I could under these circumstances...

What's funny is, I understood my very first physics class of the semester today. Know why? Because our prof was sick, and we had the other prof for this course, who everyone always raves about. And it's true, the class went *much* more quickly, and I *knew* exactly what he was doing. Grrr, damn Foltz and his insolence.

Anyway, here's my list...

Things to do:


1. Study physics problems, and read conceptual pages (as many as possible before Friday afternoon).

This is most important for now. You will not fail. You will *not* fail!!

2. Revise Review for play, and make sure it's worthy of it's mark allotment.

3. Get up on cell notes and review for cell biology lab final (which you will fail if you're not careful).

4. Get up on biochemistry notes and read appropriate sections in book.

5. Get up on Vertebrates notes, and read pertinent sections in the book. Use his notes as a shell

6. Perhaps get a little sleep. Maybe eat something. And maybe, just maybe, watch a movie or read something that doesn't pertain to school.

7. Photocopy and practice scene with Jennifer from "The Glass Menagerie" for April 3rd, production night.


That's just some stuff to start with. Anyway, I'm off to reply to a roleplay post, then it's back to the books for me...

I'm feeling much better today.

Okay, after last night's little episode (freak out, whatever you want to label it) I knew something had to be done. So... I went to see my lab demonstrator, and pointed out the questions I was completely lost with. So at least I've looked at and tried to figure out all the problems on the assignments now. It's a good start. I'm going to do tomorrow's Vertebrates lab on Saturday so I can study all day tomorrow, and that should help out with time constraints. Now that I've got that in order...I made a list of things to do.

Even though I spent all night in theatre class, I'm kinda relaxed. I was very productive this afternoon. I'm somewhat proud, and even if I don't do *very* well on my physics, I will know that I tried my best...or...the best I could under these circumstances...

What's funny is, I understood my very first physics class of the semester today. Know why? Because our prof was sick, and we had the other prof for this course, who everyone always raves about. And it's true, the class went *much* more quickly, and I *knew* exactly what he was doing. Grrr, damn Foltz and his insolence.

Anyway, here's my list...

Things to do:


1. Study physics problems, and read conceptual pages (as many as possible before Friday afternoon).

This is most important for now. You will not fail. You will *not* fail!!

2. Revise Review for play, and make sure it's worthy of it's mark allotment.

3. Get up on cell notes and review for cell biology lab final (which you will fail if you're not careful).

4. Get up on biochemistry notes and read appropriate sections in book.

5. Get up on Vertebrates notes, and read pertinent sections in the book. Use his notes as a shell

6. Perhaps get a little sleep. Maybe eat something. And maybe, just maybe, watch a movie or read something that doesn't pertain to school.

7. Photocopy and practice scene with Jennifer from "The Glass Menagerie" for April 3rd, production night.


That's just some stuff to start with. Anyway, I'm off to reply to a roleplay post, then it's back to the books for me...

I'm feeling much better today.

If I only had a sledgehammer...I swear to God...my Physics professor deserves it to his fucking pea-brained head.

This is going to be a bitchy entry. Mainly because I'm a nineteen year old student who hasn't left the house in approximately 5 weeks because I HAVE NO LIFE. My life consists of waking up every morning to attend classes that have nothing to do with my field of interest, go to countless labs that do nothing but waste time that I could be using to study for the million and one exams that I have to write, or maybe, God forbid, catch up on much needed sleep.

Is it too much to ask that I get a little bit of a break before Finals start? It is too much to ask that I get to keep this *one* strand of lucidity that I've tried so hard to keep? Is it really?

I've been sitting here all night, trying to do yet *another* physics assignment, one that I cannot do. Surprise! So I'm well prepared for Friday's midterm. It's okay if I fail it, really. I don't need to boost my average after I so narrowly missed the fail mark on the first one. And I can't help but bitch. Because it's a fucking first level physics course, and I *should* understand it. And I don't. University seriously makes me consider whether I was dropped on my head frequently as a baby. There's no other explanation for it than that. I try, HARD. And I resent people who tell me that I don't try. I do...if I tried any harder, I might just be admitted to an asylum of sorts, God knows I put enough pressure on myself.

And I guess the whole point of this rant is to explain that I NEED A BREAK!!!! I haven't stopped for the past five weeks, but that doesn't mean that I'm caught up on my reading and all other necessary work, no, it just means that I'm getting further and further behind because I have to keep up on something else that has to be passed in, that's worth diddly shit. I haven't had a decent nights' sleep in forever, and I have so much on my mind...ugghhh...how can I pass this physics test when I have so much left to learn, and so little time...and nobody to help me...

It's times like this that I miss high school, and the personable teachers instead of detached profs who cannot teach and are only out for themselves. No matter how many idiots there were there...

I have to keep telling myself that I'm really not as dumb as I think...but I am. I must be. Maybe I'll go work on some more physics. I have to go see my lab instructor tomorrow, he told me he'd help me every second Wednesday when I don't have a lab. Tomorrow will be the second time that I've actually been free to meet with him. He's good. He knows what he's talking about, whether he can drill it into me two days before a midterm is another story.

At least my vertebrates paper is finally done and out of the way. I have so much to do...and sitting here complaining doesn't do much but put in writing how miserable I am right now. I cannot wait until I'm in school for the right reasons. And I'm taking courses that I want to do because I like them, and find them interesting. I'm seriously re-thinking this whole thing. I'm sorry that I'm wasting time. I'm sorry that I'm an idiot who doesn't have the confidence to succeed. I'm just sorry I guess...and I don't really know why. But when I can't learn something, I get so frustrated. And it's my fault. And now I feel guilty for not trying hard enough...how the fuck is that possible? Hold on a second and I'll squeeze a couple more hours into today...yeah, that's what I'll do. Think that'll work?

Yeah, I'm gone to learn some physics. I have three hours of class tomorrow night...I have to learn what I can while I can...

Hello, hello, hello...

I am soooo giddy at the moment. It's crazy. Apart from feeling relieved that my Cell Biology Midterm is behind me (even though it was a brutality I would never like to relive), I am not having to throw myself into my physics book at a vain attempt at making more than a 10 on the exam tomorrow.

A huge part of me feels guilty for this though. In fact, I don't know how I did it. Cheri and I were both in the same predicament, so we went to our prof. I told him that we can't go home next weekend because we have a distance ed. midterm on Saturday. (Cheri actually does), and that since we can't go home for midterm break we were planning on going home this weekend. We told him the only chance we have is a ride home at 2:30 (the lab when we were supposed to write our exam in is at 2). So...to make a long story short, he said it wasn't a big deal and we could write our midterm on Monday. I'm sorry God...I had to do it...I just cannot fail...

How pathetic am I? I mean, I never lie. Like...ever...hehehe, but I think when I do, I'm good at it.

I'm by no means study-free now. It's not as though I had a choice unless I wanted to fail. Tonight I have to write up a Cell Bio lab, and do text analysis for theatre class, both things have to be passed in tomorrow. Also, I have to write all my journal entries for theatre class, and learn my monlogue off-book for Wednesday night. I have a biochem lab due on Monday, and another Cell bio lab write-up to pass in on Tuesday. Plus, I have a biochemistry lab exam on Wednesday. That's a hell of a lot of work. My parents decided to come in this weekend, so...I have to work all night tonight, and all day tomorrow. I'll stay home tomorrow night to get a lot done. Plus...Saturday and Sunday (as much as I can, I'll be working).

Ugghh...My cell biology midterm was brutal. I thought, y'know, that after studying it for a week solid that I would do okay. And, me, being as stressed and worried as I was, studied every spare moment I had. I *hate* that I do my best, and end up doing badly anyway. The diagrams we had to label were so complicated...nothing like the ones we were given in our book. Well, the things we had to label were difficult anyway...I can't even explain it. The multiple choice were good, and even the short answer questions. But I figure if I pass it'll be lucky...because the diagrams were worth 15 marks out of 40. I *know* I got the last diagram right...but the other 2...only parts of them. Ugghhh...I'm so burned out...I'm trying to take a break, but sitting here writing about this is not helping.

So, happy Valentine's day. I'm gonna go cook something to eat. Something decent.

Later!